Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sorry about my life...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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