So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize