I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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