today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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