I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize