8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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