The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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