I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
