I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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