you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
