Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
