My cat gives me a boner
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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