He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
