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doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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