yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
