So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She said her name was "party"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
