fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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