my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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