Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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