I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
