I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
