how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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