I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
