apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
