He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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