Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
