the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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