i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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