I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
