Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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