he told me I talked like a deaf person
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
