Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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