One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
