just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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