Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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