The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
