The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
These tits shall not be calmed
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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