saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Randomize