im six kinds of drunk right now
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
