i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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