So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
