You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
