when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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