so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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