Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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