It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
