Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize