Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
