Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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