Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My ass is underappreciated
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
