the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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