so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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