Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
