In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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