I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
