Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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