Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
