i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
no, he came in my armpit
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
