New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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