I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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