I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
