u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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